4 Types of Negativity That Can Easily Make People Dislike You

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You’ve probably had this experience: you thought you liked someone initially, but then every time you’re with them, they say or do things that become intolerable.

Or maybe it’s someone in your life that you care about, but the fact that they continue to be negative in different ways makes it exhausting to be around them. And the more it happens, the less likeable they become.

Whether we admit it or not, everyone wants people to like them. After all, the desire to be accepted by others is part of what makes us human.

Nobody can be positive and encouraging all the time, but there’s a difference between someone who’s having a bad day and happens to let it out a little around other people, and someone who has simply fallen into bad habits of spreading negativity. That energy gets old pretty quickly, and doesn’t make other people want to stick around.

Here are four types of negativity to avoid, and what to focus on instead.

1. Gossiping

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Complaining to someone about what somebody else is doing actually says a lot about you. And it doesn’t leave a good impression.

In my last job, I had a supervisor who talked a lot about other people. At first, it seemed harmless, but I remember the day when she ended up saying all sorts of negative things about a new hire to myself and several other employees (the new hire’s coworkers).

We all looked at each other in bewilderment as she went on about how much she questioned his judgement, abilities, and personal life. Then, after a few minutes, she tried to laugh it off and said, “Well, of course, don’t tell him I said any of this.”

What? None of us had any intention of doing so, but that wasn’t the issue.

She had been beyond unprofessional, and by gossiping the way she did made us question her leadership and integrity, not his. She gained a reputation for being a gossip, and ultimately lost our respect and trust. Nobody wanted to share anything with her anymore. It was too late.

What to do instead?

Focus on yourself. It’s as simple as that. Other people’s business is, well, other people’s business. Sometimes it truly is harmless, but no one wants to hear that other people are talking about them behind their back. It’s not a good feeling — not to mention that it might come back to bite you.

So if you feel the urge to share something about someone else, pause and ask yourself if it’s your information to share, and if it’s necessary, helpful, or kind. If it’s none of those things, take a breath and move on to talking about something that you have the right to discuss.

2. Self-deprecating Comments

You know that person who is constantly putting themselves down, and making comments about how terrible, ugly, incapable (insert negative attribute here) they are? At first, you may be inclined to contradict them (especially if it’s someone you know well or care about very much). You want to encourage them to see the good parts, and stop saying such self-deprecating things.

But as it continues, it becomes, well, kind of tiring. It’s as if every time you see this person, they’re extremely negative towards themselves and have come to almost expect you to make them feel better.

Let’s be honest — sadly, that person becomes a bit of a downer.

We’ve all experienced self-doubt at some point in our lives. But frankly, self-judgment can hurt just as much as judgment from other people. And while it’s helpful to have friends to make you feel better (there’s nothing wrong with asking for support), being consistently negative towards yourself and saying self-deprecating things doesn’t make people want to hang out with you in the long run.

What to do instead?

Your thoughts are powerful, so stop using them against yourself.

“You’ve been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

― Louise Hay

Sometimes we don’t pay much attention to the way we talk about ourselves — or the way we make ourselves feel.

• Try to become more aware of what you tell yourself. How often do you put yourself down? Self-criticism can be constructive, but negative self-talk tends to only beat you down.

• Start working on self-acceptance. What parts of yourself don’t you like, and are you relying on other people to tell you you’re good enough?

• Make a list of what makes you feel strong and confident, and refer back to it when you need a boost.

Deciding to believe in yourself is the first step towards actually believing.

3. Making Everything About Them

You know that person, right? You tell a story, and instead of actually hearing what you’re saying they respond with a story about themselves that one-ups yours.

Or, you talk about something that happened and upset you, and they respond by saying how it was worse with them when that same thing happened.

Or, you’re trying to plan something and they insist on having input to make sure it’s fun for them, regardless of what everyone else wants. And if it doesn’t end up going their way, their response is something along the lines of a pouty “Well, what am I supposed to do, then?”

They want to be the center of attention, whether they realize it or not. Sometimes it’s positive attention, sometimes it’s negative. But they seem to be unable to not talk about themselves.

That person may be fun, they may even be the life of the party, but they can also have the tendency to make others feel like crap because they make everything about them.

What to do instead?

First, realize that there is a difference between being self-confident and having a huge ego that gets in the way of being real. True confidence is charming and contagious, but a massive ego can be a complete turn-off.

Start listening. Sadly there is a pattern these days of not listening to someone who’s speaking to you, because you’re focusing instead on what you want to say.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey

People want to feel heard and understood. And all of us like to talk about ourselves, to some extent. But you don’t always have to make everything about you — let other people shine, too. Start really listening, and see how people react.

4. Being a Constant Worrier

“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” — Eckhart Tolle

Over the past few years, I’ve put a lot of effort into doing things that help me avoid endless worrying.

There’s nothing wrong with being a bit nervous — but think about how it affects the people around you if you’re always wringing your hands and talking about how scared you are that things won’t work out. (And to be clear, I’m not just talking about the big stuff, where you might have reason to be worried. Of course, it’s fair to ask for support and/or advice.)

But have you ever had someone in your car who didn’t trust anyone else to drive? Maybe it was a nervous friend, or a parent who doesn’t trust you to be safe, even though it’s been years since you first learned to drive?

I had a friend who used to grab the seat and literally gasp every time I got the tiniest bit close to anyone on the road. I would be driving the speed limit, being very cautious, and yet she would constantly suck in her breath or blurt out “that’s a red light!” when I could clearly see it and was already slowing down.

Frankly, it’s exhausting. Worry doesn’t make anyone feel good — and if you’re constantly worrying aloud, it tends to make everyone around you nervous too, even if there is no reason for it.

What to do instead?

One of the best things I’ve learned is to simply try to focus on the things you can actually control.

• What steps can you take today to make yourself feel better, and/or to set yourself up for success and less worry tomorrow?

• Ask for help, support, or advice if you feel you need it.

• When you feel yourself start to worry, ask yourself if you’re doing any good. Is this a big deal, or small? What is the worst that could possibly happen? If it’s actually bad, then, again — what steps can you take to make a change?

Another tactic I’ve used is to allow yourself to feel the weight of the fear and anxiety and icky-ness for a few seconds, breathe into it, and then let it all out.

Feel everything you need to feel, let it consume you for just a few seconds. Then, release that negative energy about the unknown, and try to refocus on something that you know you can control.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to be a positive person every second of the day in order to be likable.

I mean, everyone has bad days or periods of time when life seems especially hard. I get it. Nobody can blame you for being a little negative temporarily. But that doesn’t mean you can’t avoid certain patterns to help increase your likeability.

• Avoid gossiping, and focus on what’s relevant to you.

• Stop making negative comments about yourself, and work on self-acceptance (and ask for support if you need it).

• Remember not everything is always about you, and learn to listen.

• Try to minimize constant worry over little things, and focus on what is within your control.

You will never be in control of everything — but you can absolutely make a change if you want to. The key is to recognize what makes you happy, and what makes the people around you happy, too.

Being a likable person isn’t actually that hard. We all tend to gravitate towards people who make us feel good in one way or another. Avoid habits and behaviors like these, and you might be surprised how much better it makes you feel!