You Can Change How You See Yourself (And How Others See You, Too)
Photo by Loe Moshkovska from Pexels
How many people — especially women — go through life worrying how people see us, thinking we might never be enough? We’ll never be that successful, that smart, that funny, that likeable, or that loved. It might be possible to achieve some level of success or love, but nobody can have it all, right?
Unfortunately, that’s always a trick question. Because really, it’s not about “having it all”. It’s about having what’s actually important to you, and how you choose to go through life.
I know first hand how it feels to be a let-down, and to feel like people are judging you for not being the person they expect you to be. But I also know first hand how to change that. Because about five years ago, I had an epiphany.
Who are you trying to please?
After so many years of feeling inadequate, I realized it was exhausting to hold myself to such high standards and yet never feel like I met them. And in that moment, I asked myself who I was trying to please by being perfect all the time.
As it turned out, it was a struggle to come up with an answer, because I began to realize that all the people who came to mind didn’t have nearly as strict expectations as I had for myself. I’d taken the subtle (or not-so-subtle) judgements I felt from my family and society, and turned them around to judge myself even more.
At that moment, I was my own worst enemy. And maybe I’d been standing in my own way all along.
But in the words of Oprah Winfrey,
“You are not your circumstances. You are what’s possible for you.”
You are what’s possible for you.
Life happens, things change, you may not think of yourself as strong or smart or capable — but the fact is it’s never too late to turn that around.
When I first heard that quote, I decided to experiment with changing the way I held myself. I wanted to see what happened if I changed my own energy, even if it was tough at first. And it was. But my desire to feel like — and be seen as — a strong, independent, fully capable woman was finally stronger than my fear of failure.
I made a conscious effort to stop slouching and stand tall, and started walking with purpose. It felt forced at first, but over time as I kept reminding myself, it felt more natural to stand and walk with confidence.
I started speaking up, and slowly stopped being so nervous about being judged for my opinions.
I started making plans to do things I’d wanted to do for a long time but had never taken the leap.
I stopped being afraid to give compliments.
When I could lend a listening ear, I did.
When I could be a voice of encouragement, I was. I learned that even a simple “I’m glad you’re here today” can go a long way.
And I told myself I was enough, just as I was. I made the switch, and slowly started living up to my potential. And you know what happened? It actually worked.
Confidence is contagious
People’s energy around me changed, too.
Just by making those conscious shifts in my behavior and how I held myself, they could see that I was determined to live my life the way that I wanted to. And to my surprise, the people around me complimented me for it. Over time I was openly told I was a great friend, a good listener, and brave to be unabashedly me.
Because as it turns out, confidence is contagious.
A while back my friend was going through a rough time and asked me to hang out and have some drinks. I stayed with her, listened to her story, and ended up sharing something I’d written a while ago about a similar situation I’d experienced in my life. She has since told me that that meant so much to her that I’d shared something vulnerable about myself, and that made her feel like she wasn’t alone. And the next thing she said made my entire year.
“I want to be as strong as you are.”
Heart melted, I put my hands on her shoulders and said emphatically, “You are.” And it was in that moment that I knew I could make a difference.
If you still feel like you’re not good enough, ask yourself why. Who told you you’re not enough, and why do they matter? Who are you trying to please?
Look at how you view your self-worth. You’re as capable as you think you are. If you don’t believe you’re good enough, chances are that you’re letting other people’s opinions get to you, too. Because the truth is, you shouldn’t need someone else’s permission to be yourself.
If you want to start changing the way others view you, try changing the way you view yourself first. Confidence comes from within, and when it builds, it radiates. People are drawn to it. But it has to start with your decision to believe in yourself.
Nobody’s perfect. No matter your confidence level, there are always going to be days when you struggle to stay strong or feel like you’re failing in every category. But, remember to cut yourself some slack. Sometimes life can be overwhelming. Some days, your to-do list can seem never-ending.
But the fact remains that it’s not about what’s on your to-do list; it’s about how you hold yourself and how you’re able to bounce back. You can bounce back, and you’re not alone in your struggle. Every day is an opportunity to grow and change and help one another out.
Just remember — you are what’s possible for you. It’s up to you to figure out who you want to be.
