Hey Ladies, It’s Time to Ask For a Raise

Photo by Napat Saeng on Unsplash

Everyone likes money. Although depending on the circumstance it can be taboo to talk about, we can all agree that — to some extent — money is often a motivating factor in the decisions we make. After all, those bills won’t pay themselves, right?

Unfortunately, when it comes to asking for more, women still tend to fall behind the curve. Not only do we still make less than our male counterparts (82 cents to the dollar, to be exact), but we tend to hesitate to ask for a raise or promotion — even when we know we deserve it. However, if we understand our worth, learn to stand up for ourselves, and be prepared to demand what we deserve, we might be able to make a change for ourselves and start setting a new standard.

Here are the facts: men typically take more risks than women.

You might have heard the idea that you’re supposed to work two years or so in a company before asking for a promotion. This of course depends on the industry, company, and position. But overall, women tend to want to stick to what they’re supposed to do, while men are more open to taking more risks.

Research has shown that women tend to only apply for jobs they feel 100% qualified for, while men apply to jobs for which they feel only about 60% qualified.

We’re hesitant to sign up for something we’re not entirely sure we can do, while men typically take the attitude that they will just learn on the job.

In a poll of 1,200 employed American adults, it was found that 60% of women had never negotiated their pay, compared to 48% of men.

Not only that, but women were more likely to leave their job to get a salary bump at another company than to ask for more money at their current position. And 51% of women reported they felt underpaid in their position and were considering leaving because of it.

I suspect that many of us can relate to that.

However, career coach Kathy Robinson points out that it can often be more work to go through the process of applying for a new job, than it is to try having a conversation with your current supervisor.

“That takes a lot of courage and negotiating strategy — whether it’s about pay or not, it’s still negotiating your way into a new role. Women are using the same skills externally that they would need internally.” — Kathy Robinson

Sometimes it can mean that we need to get out of our own way and take a chance before jumping ship.

So, in my previous position, I wanted to ask for a raise fairly early on. My managers casually kept trying to give me more and more responsibility. I knew I was doing the job well, and at first I didn’t mind. But then I started pushing back a little. When I cautiously asked around among my coworkers about how early or often promotions were given, (considering my starting pay was already lower than I’d have liked) the women around me all said, “Oh no, nobody asks for a raise. It’s really only brought up at your annual review, if they think you deserve one”.

What? I wasn’t okay with that. Not even a little bit.

I then asked why, and if it was frowned upon to discuss it before the year was up. They looked at me in confusion, and then simply restated that it’s only brought up in your annual review, because “that’s just the way it is”. (A phrase I’ve always hated.)

While I’m all for annual reviews, I was already stressed, financially and because I felt I was being constantly asked to do more than I was being paid for. The prospect of letting them pile on more work for the next year without being rewarded for it was disheartening. I concluded that I definitely wasn’t comfortable waiting until the higher-ups decided whether or not they thought a deserved more cashflow.

I knew I deserved it.

So, I prepared to make my case and asked for a meeting with my boss. I laid out all the additional responsibilities I had taken on, how much I had already improved, and told him in no uncertain terms that I loved being supportive of the company but to feel valued I needed more, because right now the work far outweighed the compensation.

It worked.

I gave him a number (shooting high), and he met me in the middle, which is what I was expecting/hoping for. I got a raise after being there for 7 months, and was able to take a breath of relief. And to be honest, I was pretty proud of myself, since this was the first time I had firmly stood up for myself in terms of asking for more money.

I told one of my coworkers I was close with how it went, and encouraged her to do the same. (And yes, I realize it isn’t wise to discuss money with colleagues). But at the time, I thought she would be happy for me and hopefully motivated to ask for herself too, considering she complained about her pay all the time.

But unfortunately, no. It turned out she was annoyed that I had gotten a raise, even though she had never asked for one and still didn’t want to.

Apparently, she had wanted me to remain unsatisfied, and suffer alongside her. She passive aggressively commented that I made everyone else look bad. How naïve of me. (I of course realize I shouldn’t have told anyone because money can be a sticky subject, but I was hoping she’d be happy.)

I didn’t necessarily blame her for being nervous to ask for herself — but I did blame her for being petty and vindictive about it. After that, I didn’t tell anyone else. And I also stopped hanging around that particular coworker, for my own sanity.

Although the company culture had its pros and cons, I enjoyed my job and learned a lot.

I honestly suspect I earned the respect of my boss partially because I took initiative in asking for what I knew I deserved. From then on he included me in conversations I hadn’t been in before, and spoke highly of my leadership abilities in meetings with my other supervisors (which I only knew because other people told me). There was quite a lot of talk at that company.

I left after a year and a half (because I was moving), still making more than other women who had been there for years. If I learned anything, it was that you have to ask for what you want, and don’t let people walk all over you.

Some of my colleagues had even more responsibility than I did and were making less money (which I know because they were frustrated with their positions and complained all the time amongst themselves), but hadn’t asked for a raise because they were waiting until it was “appropriate”.

I hate to break it to you, but — if you limit yourself to only what feels comfortable and “appropriate”, that raise might never come.

Asking for money isn’t easy, especially for women.

I can absolutely understand being intimidated and constantly second-guessing yourself. We are taught to be nice, accommodating, patient, and non-confrontational. I was shaking in my boots while preparing myself to ask for more. I gave myself several pep talks before I was able to make my case in a calm and collected manner.

As women, society expects us to adhere to what’s considered “appropriate”. But unfortunately, in many cases being “appropriate” and “accommodating” would have us sitting still for a very long time, too often seething with rage behind our placid smiles.

I know in some circumstances asking for a promotion is more complicated than simply walking up to your boss and asking for a meeting. It’s going to be different for everyone, depending on the job scenario. And I know it’s a challenge to put yourself out there — but it’s certainly a challenge worth taking on.

Sadly we still have to work harder to be heard, and often we are judged more harshly for speaking up. But women are strong, smart, and resilient as hell.

Risks like this are worth taking. If you feel you need more, know your worth and make your case. Be prepared to defend yourself — know why you deserve the raise — and don’t be afraid to be firm. It can pay off. You won’t know until you try. But you should, try.

Ask for more.

Because you know we deserve the whole dollar, not just 82 cents.